I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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