My cat gives me a boner
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Text me some of your sweat
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
