my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
