You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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