my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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