You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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