You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
