The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
