Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
