Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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