i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
