Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Randomize
