He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
