Well apparently he's into motor boating.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
