i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
