If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
