Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
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