wat bout pragnant strippers??
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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