listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
