I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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