Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
