Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
should my penis look like a turkey
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
