She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize