i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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