I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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