my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
