:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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