is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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