Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
