cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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