Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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