the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
