I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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