Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Randomize
