you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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