I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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