We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
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