Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
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