update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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