he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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