genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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