The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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