Need sex. Gaining weight.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
