Your dad touched me again.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
