I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
