before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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