If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
