i don't like sucking hair
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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