Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Randomize
