Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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