My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
