I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
