The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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