My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
