My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
