i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize