You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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