I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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