And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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