dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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