the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
