she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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