I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
