How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
