Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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